Bittersweet Reality

Tuesday, August 30, 2011
I think the title really explains it all. I've been having a lot of those "ah ha" and "uh oh" moments. Time is ticking down. I just don't feel ready. The closer D-day comes the worse my emotions become.
This last week of my husbands annual training has been horrible. I've been sick because I had an allergic reaction to the tongue piercing I got this past Thursday. I had to finally take it out last night. What a waste of 30 dollars. Ugh! I'm still kicking myself over that.

Anyways, when I'm sick I become a big baby. I don't want to have to take care of myself. I don't want to be alone. I don't want my husband to leave me for a year. I don't want to do this. I keep thinking if only my husband would have gotten out this wouldn't be happening. That's one thing that's different about our deployment then others. My husband's contract was going to be up before they deployed. He didn't have to go. He could have walked away. We spent MANY nights fighting and crying and screaming about it. Looking back on it I'm ashamed of the way we both acted. I just couldn't understand why my new husband wanted to leave me so bad. Why this was even a discussion. I guess the shock of things really got the best of me. I've since made peace with it. Their really wasn't a reason to let it drag me down. It wouldn't have done any good because he would still be leaving.

All that brings us to now. The month before "see ya later". There is SOOO much to do in such a short time. Between trying to do the last minute deployment stuff and spending time doing what we want together, I'm moving. This is going to be one stressful,stressful month!!

2 weeks down, 1 to go

Saturday, August 27, 2011
Yesterday marked the two week mark since my husband has been gone to his 3 week AT. It hasn't been bad at all. I really haven't had enough down time to really think about him being gone. Tonight is really the first I've had to myself. Between my brother visiting from England, one of my sister in laws coming over on her days off, and visits to my parents house I've stayed really busy. Now that I'm alone everything is hitting really hard. A week isn't long and we've been apart a lot longer. It's the thought of him deploying soon after he comes home that gets to me. I've learned during this 3 weeks how important it is to stay busy but, I also know that won't always be possible. I don't want people to feel like they have to baby-sit me. But, I can't help but realize how lonely a year is really going to be. With no children, limited friends, and a family that have their own lives I'm going to be completely alone.
Today and what I'm going through reminds me of one of my great grandmothers. She passed away 2 years ago, today, at the age of 98. Her husband, my papaw, fought in WWII. She knew what it was like to be married to an Army man. I would give anything to be able to talk to her right now. To ask her how she did. To ask for her words of wisdom that I miss so much. Their isn't a day that goes by that I don't miss her and my other great grandmother. They were both extremely strong women. I want to hold on to the faith that they will both help me through all this. RIP my beautiful guardian angels!

Helpful Hints

Wednesday, August 24, 2011
I want to use this entry as an opportunity to list a few helpful things I've learned or come across during our pre-deployment phase and military life. I want to note though that my husband is in the Army National Guard so some of these may or may not apply to everyone. I'm just writing from my personal experience. Any links will be in blue :)

  1. Military OneSource- Military OneSource is provided by the Department of Defense at no cost to active duty, Guard and Reserve (regardless of activation status) and their families. It is a virtual extension of installation services.This site has been an absolute God send. I have gotten so many helpful books, cd's, and DVDs sent to my home for FREE. They provide a 24/7 help line, articles, resource guides and so much more!
  2. USAA- USAA offers Insurance (auto insurance, property insurance, life insurance), Banking (checking, credit cards, and auto loans),  Investments, Retirement, Real Estate, and they even have a section for shopping and discounts. We personally use their car insurance and we LOVE it! It's the cheapest we've found. We've only made one claim since we've had it but, the experience we had was better then any company we've used. They were speedy, nice, and really helpful through the whole experience. We plan on looking into their banking very soon so stay tuned. :)
  3. Army Wife 101- This is a blog like website that is run by an Army wife named Krystel. If you have Facebook,Twitter, or Youtube you HAVE to check her out!
  4. Army Wife Network- This site is exactly what it says it is, a network. Blogs, announcements, and articles are just a little of what it offers. I really enjoy following them on Facebook.
  5. Spouse Buzz- I just found this site and I'm already in love. It has some really great articles to read.
  6. Military Info- You got a question about the military and it's different programs? This is the site to find it on!
  7. Books- Chicken Soup for Military Wife's Soul,  Surviving Deployment: A Guide for Military Families by:Karen M. Pavlicin, Homefront Club: The Hardheaded Woman's Guide to Raising a Military Family by:Jacey Eckhart, Heroes at Home: Help and Hope for America's Military Families by: Ellie Kay, A Handbook for Family & Friends of Service Members (before, during and after deployment)(handbook and dvd) by: Inc.Vulcon Productions,PBS, and NOVA/WGBH. Some of these are provided by Military OneSource for free so please click on the link on number 1.
I know that in my experience, knowledge is power. The more I know about what's going on the better I feel. Our spouses can't always tell us all the juicy details we want to know but, we can inform ourselves on the aspects of this life that we can know about. I know with my SO he doesn't always have the time to explain what I need to know or want to know so I find out for myself. I love the look on his face when he talks about something that I already know about and I tell him things he doesn't know about it. I think it also helps him feel more open about talking with me about his military career because it shows that I'm interested in it and he knows he won't have to explain everything to me. I hope some of these resources will help you all. Stay tuned for more to come! :)


Some days...

Thursday, August 18, 2011
Ever notice how some days are better then others when a loved one is gone? I can be having a perfectly fine day and one song or smell or object can send it down hill fast. It's so hard to kick the separation blues when society teaches us from a young age that after marriage a husband and wife live and grow old together. They are rarely apart. In the military life, though, that's just not the case. It's our normal to be together one day and apart for days, weeks, or months the next. We're expected to carry on and live life without the person we married and expected to grow old with. We're expected to understand and not complain. So what do you do on days when you just can't stand it anymore? You write in a blog :)

Murphy's Law

Tuesday, August 16, 2011
"Anything that can go wrong will go wrong"
I've always heard about Murphy's Law and how us military spouses always get hit with it. I've been in this life for awhile now and I've never had to deal with it.. Until now. I blame it on my husband's deployment AT and upcoming deployment. It's like it can sense that I'm all alone for 3 weeks for the first time. I mean I've been without him for longer and been fine but, now as a married couple. And not with a deployment looming. I feel like it's been waiting for me to be at my lowest to show it's ugly face.

It all started with us having to cancel my husband's going away party because his manager decided she didn't want to give him an extra day off. She wants him back the day after he gets back. I got over it because instead we're going to celebrate his birthday, just the two of us, the day he gets back. Then if he gets his vacation, like he's suppose to before he mobs, we'll reschedule it. If we can't do that then we'll have to suck it up and do some one on one visits.

Sunday night rolls in and I get this horrible pain. What could it be but, a stupid UTI. I haven't had one of those in years but, all of a sudden BAM! On top of being extremely uncomfortable I can't run off to the doctor because I don't know anything about our Tricare insurance. I don't know why I didn't find out. I guess I just figured I've been well for this long. What's 3 more weeks?

Monday comes and it's time for me to go back home. (I was staying with my parents) I go to crank our car. Guess what?... You guessed it. It was dead. We haven't had any problems with it lately but, all of a sudden. The battery is dead. I get my mom to give me a jump. It works so I come home. I didn't get to go to the doctor so I got some Azo and hoped to make it unil...

Today, It started off with NO word from my husband. No good morning like usual. No I love you's. No I'm going to text you when I can. Nothing. I  push it out of my mind and try to find a doctors office that will take Tricare. Wouldn't you know it, none of the offices I usually go to or are around me accept Tricare or aren't in the network. Oh and did I mention my car won't start..again. So now I have to wait until 5.00pm for my dad to get off work to take me to buy a new battery and I can't go to the doctor for another day.
This is all happening while I'm waiting for my debt card to get mailed to me. So I have no access to our money.

In just THREE days, my world has managed to crumble before me. Each day a little more gets piled on. I'm honestly scared to see what happens tomorrow. Stay tuned!

Day Zero

Saturday, August 13, 2011
My husband just left for his 3 week AT. Three weeks in this life isn't that long but, no matter how long it is the first day always sucks. Like my husband likes to say about basic "Day Zero is always the worst". Today is my day zero. On top of him being gone he's left me the exciting task of planning a going away party for him for when he gets back. The first thing you should know about why this is a problem is because I am in no way coordinate or crafty enough to have been given this task to begin with. Another VERY annoying reason this is becoming a problem is because of the manager where my husband works. Even though he's an assistant manager and pretty much does everything she does, she's the general manager.He asked to be off for Aug 13- Sep 4 a month and a half ago and she okayed it. Well he took her his orders which is for aug 13-sep 2. She's insisting that he come back on Sep 4th. The problem with that is that's the day of his going away party. I asked my husband if he told her and he said yeah and that she didn't care. We're both beyond pissed! The location is already booked and people have already been told. It was already okayed. My husband keeps saying he's not going no matter what she says and I can see his side but, he's still got 2 weeks left there before he deploys and we unfortunately need that pay check. UGH! It's so upsetting that this is even a problem when his manager knows what's its for. GRRRRRRR....end of rant!


Friday, August 12, 2011
  Our pre-deployment has been really bittersweet. A month after we got married we found out my husband would be deploying. He came home from drill, gave me a kiss, and laid down. I could instantly tell something was wrong. So I asked. Never in a million years did I expect to hear what was about to come out of that sweet mans mouth. All he said was we've been put on alert I'm getting deployed. I sat there. Was this I joke? If it was it wasn't funny. For a second I prayed he was joking but, I could see the look on his face and tell it wasn't. That of course didn't stop me from asking. And it was confirmed. It hit me like a ton of bricks. I didn't know if I should cry, scream, or clean something. My mind was going a million miles a minute but, I couldn’t say anything. I just laid my head on his chest. I don’t know maybe I thought it was all a dream and if I was really still I would wake up from the nightmare. I know what you’re thinking though “didn’t you know it could happen” Well of course I knew. We all know. BUT, I strongly believe that knowing and going through it or hearing it are two different things. There are millions of possibilities but, until they happen you don’t know how you’re going to feel.
It wasn’t until he told me when he was leaving that I realized how hard it was going to be. Instead of it being a short pre-deployment we were about to embark on a rather long wait. Don’t get me wrong. I’m thankful for the time I’ve had with my husband but, I’m not thankful for the wait. If he would have been deployed soon after he found he would be deploying he would be home by now. Instead, we’re just about to start the actual deployment. The pre-deployment wait has felt worse then the thought of being without him for a year because I know once it’s start he’ll be working on coming home. But for the past year what have we been working towards? ANOTHER year of waiting…..

Background Check

Thursday, August 11, 2011
First I want to welcome everyone to my page! So.. WELCOME :) Now I want to take a minute to let everyone know a little about myself. I'm Amy. I'm 22 and I was born,raised, and still live in Mississippi with my wonderful husband Chris. My husband and I have been together for 3 years and married for 1. Chris is in the Mississippi Army National Guard. We are about to go through our first deployment and that was my motivation for starting this blog. I wanted something to use up some of my time while he's gone and a way to hopefully help others.
Here's some other facts about me....1) I have two brothers,one half sister, and 3 sister in laws. 2) Chris and I have no children. 3) We do however have  two fur babies Lucy (cat) and Wiggles (Chocolate Lab/chow mix) 4)Chris wants to go active Army when he gets back 4) I pride myself on being as honest as possible. Yes, I slip up every now and then but, hey who doesn't? 5) I'm a ginger and I like it that way. Though I do like to add color to my hair I can never bring myself to dye all of it
I think that's enough of pointless facts for now. I really hope everyone will enjoy my blog and will go through this journey with me :)