Bittersweet Reality

I think the title really explains it all. I've been having a lot of those "ah ha" and "uh oh" moments. Time is ticking down. I just don't feel ready. The closer D-day comes the worse my emotions become.
This last week of my husbands annual training has been horrible. I've been sick because I had an allergic reaction to the tongue piercing I got this past Thursday. I had to finally take it out last night. What a waste of 30 dollars. Ugh! I'm still kicking myself over that.

Anyways, when I'm sick I become a big baby. I don't want to have to take care of myself. I don't want to be alone. I don't want my husband to leave me for a year. I don't want to do this. I keep thinking if only my husband would have gotten out this wouldn't be happening. That's one thing that's different about our deployment then others. My husband's contract was going to be up before they deployed. He didn't have to go. He could have walked away. We spent MANY nights fighting and crying and screaming about it. Looking back on it I'm ashamed of the way we both acted. I just couldn't understand why my new husband wanted to leave me so bad. Why this was even a discussion. I guess the shock of things really got the best of me. I've since made peace with it. Their really wasn't a reason to let it drag me down. It wouldn't have done any good because he would still be leaving.

All that brings us to now. The month before "see ya later". There is SOOO much to do in such a short time. Between trying to do the last minute deployment stuff and spending time doing what we want together, I'm moving. This is going to be one stressful,stressful month!!

2 weeks down, 1 to go

Yesterday marked the two week mark since my husband has been gone to his 3 week AT. It hasn't been bad at all. I really haven't had enough down time to really think about him being gone. Tonight is really the first I've had to myself. Between my brother visiting from England, one of my sister in laws coming over on her days off, and visits to my parents house I've stayed really busy. Now that I'm alone everything is hitting really hard. A week isn't long and we've been apart a lot longer. It's the thought of him deploying soon after he comes home that gets to me. I've learned during this 3 weeks how important it is to stay busy but, I also know that won't always be possible. I don't want people to feel like they have to baby-sit me. But, I can't help but realize how lonely a year is really going to be. With no children, limited friends, and a family that have their own lives I'm going to be completely alone.
Today and what I'm going through reminds me of one of my great grandmothers. She passed away 2 years ago, today, at the age of 98. Her husband, my papaw, fought in WWII. She knew what it was like to be married to an Army man. I would give anything to be able to talk to her right now. To ask her how she did. To ask for her words of wisdom that I miss so much. Their isn't a day that goes by that I don't miss her and my other great grandmother. They were both extremely strong women. I want to hold on to the faith that they will both help me through all this. RIP my beautiful guardian angels!

Some days...

Ever notice how some days are better then others when a loved one is gone? I can be having a perfectly fine day and one song or smell or object can send it down hill fast. It's so hard to kick the separation blues when society teaches us from a young age that after marriage a husband and wife live and grow old together. They are rarely apart. In the military life, though, that's just not the case. It's our normal to be together one day and apart for days, weeks, or months the next. We're expected to carry on and live life without the person we married and expected to grow old with. We're expected to understand and not complain. So what do you do on days when you just can't stand it anymore? You write in a blog :)

Day Zero

My husband just left for his 3 week AT. Three weeks in this life isn't that long but, no matter how long it is the first day always sucks. Like my husband likes to say about basic "Day Zero is always the worst". Today is my day zero. On top of him being gone he's left me the exciting task of planning a going away party for him for when he gets back. The first thing you should know about why this is a problem is because I am in no way coordinate or crafty enough to have been given this task to begin with. Another VERY annoying reason this is becoming a problem is because of the manager where my husband works. Even though he's an assistant manager and pretty much does everything she does, she's the general manager.He asked to be off for Aug 13- Sep 4 a month and a half ago and she okayed it. Well he took her his orders which is for aug 13-sep 2. She's insisting that he come back on Sep 4th. The problem with that is that's the day of his going away party. I asked my husband if he told her and he said yeah and that she didn't care. We're both beyond pissed! The location is already booked and people have already been told. It was already okayed. My husband keeps saying he's not going no matter what she says and I can see his side but, he's still got 2 weeks left there before he deploys and we unfortunately need that pay check. UGH! It's so upsetting that this is even a problem when his manager knows what's its for. GRRRRRRR....end of rant!